


How Not to Camp

by AVirtoMusae



Series: Hazardous Exploits [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: But so do other pairings, Camping, Cheesy tourist attractions, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Established Relationship, Family, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship, General idiocy, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hiking, House Tyrell, Humor, Light-Hearted, Lorenly rules, M/M, Mildly failed vacations, Multi, Shovel talks, Sweet, Teasing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, diner, prompted, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-14 23:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5762251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVirtoMusae/pseuds/AVirtoMusae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<i>And then Olenna Tyrell rounded on Renly, whose suitcases were visible in the trunk. 'Are you taking your own car?'</i></p><p>
  <i>Renly gave her a confused look. 'No, I don’t think I am. Why?'</i>
</p><p><i>'You’ll need it if you’re bringing all that shit with you,' Olenna informed him in a deadpan, eyeing his line of suitcases. Renly gaped at her. He thought he’d packed lightly — there were only five suitcases!</i>"</p><p>Or, Renly's first camping vacation with the Tyrell family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Rose_And_Stag](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Rose_And_Stag/gifts).



> Finally finished the first chapter of this months after I probably should have. I have just been getting back into writing after a few months off and whatnot. I hope this is what you were looking for, The_Rose_And_Stag!

Renly stared at his wardrobe apprehensively. He knew this would be much easier with the aid of his boyfriend, who had actually been camping before, but according to sources (a.k.a. Margaery Tyrell), Loras was busy packing his own belongings. With Loras’s policy on non-academic procrastination, Renly was certainly a bit surprised that Loras was still in the process of packing.

Renly continued his apprehensive stare at his armada of suitcases and army of clothing. Renly pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. He stared at his phone for a second, debating about whether or not this was worth disturbing his boyfriend for.

He stared at the phone and imagined Loras’s yelling (his boyfriend had a tendency to do that, and Renly would be lying if he said he didn’t get turned on by it). He then remembered that no one else was like to be thrilled that he disrupted Loras, however, so he tucked his phone back in his pocket and turned back to his closet.

After nearly an hour of sorting through his clothing and exhuming his various suitcases he had not seen since he was little and dragged to all sorts of tedious functions, Renly was packed. He gave his luggage a last once-over and wondered if he ought to even be taking his non-electric clothing iron and travel-friendly ironing board. Yes, he ended up deciding. He did want to look his best, after all.

He contemplated all four suitcases, a frown etched on his face. Then, staring at three-fourths of them for a time, he sighed and grabbed one before dragging it down the staircase. With a loud groan, he repeated the process three times, glaring at one less bag each time, until all his bags were at the bottom of the stairs.

He glared at all of them again before opening the front door and looking between where his car was parked on the adjacent street and his bags. It was a very long distance, at least when laden with heavy bags.

He was sure, or almost sure, that at least another half hour passed before he had loaded all his bags and done a last check to make sure he had not forgotten anything. He had, actually -- a hair band for pulling his hair into a ponytail, his leave-in conditioner, and his dress shoes.

By the time he was actually on the road to Loras's family's house, he was already running almost fifteen minutes late. By the time he got there, he had a cookies-and-cream frappuccino from SunCrowns, a crowberry danish, and a new earring, a golden-and-green stag stud. He also arrived about an hour late, exactly forty minutes after everyone except Margaery and Sansa (who had apparently the same troubles as Renly) had already put their suitcases in the miniature bus. 

Renly pulled up the driveway to the house, taking a last sip of his frappuccino (it had been venti, and the bottom was now almost melted). “Sorry I’m late!” he exclaimed as he got out of his car. Renly didn’t really pay attention to the grandeur of the house. Renly was used to glamour like that. He himself wasn’t that rich, his own house being a smaller cliff-side mansion in the east, but when his brother was trying to get elected Prime Minister of the Westerosi Confederation, he’d been dragged all over the place like a little mascot.“I’m Renly.”

It was also the first Tyrell family trip Renly had been on -- he was only now getting introduced to all the family members besides Margaery (they had been at the same university and was already one of his friends). Sansa Renly knew also because his brother and her father were best friends. And while he certainly thought Sansa was a nice girl and thought she was good for Margaery, it had been awkward for a while when she had had a crush on Loras.

An elderly man, whom Renly could only assume was Mace Tyrell, looked up from where he was leaning against the bus -- seriously, a small bus because there was no other way to fit all the Tyrell family and various significant others. “So you’re Loras’s boyfriend then?

Renly nodded, not sure what level of enthusiasm was appropriate. He settled for excited-but-not-quite-bouncing-up-and down. He wanted to get everything right, after all. “I am, sir.”

Mace looked him up and down in what Renly optimistically thought was an approving manner. Renly really hoped it was approving, at least, since Loras talked about his family like they hung the stars. “And he met you through school?”

Renly nodded. “Yeah, we met at a party and then ended up as roommates.” He didn’t need to go into more detail with it than that. Not really, and not in front of his boyfriend’s father for sure. Margaery knew because she was the one that had helped sort all the mishaps out, and Renly, while he was infinitely grateful for her help since now he and Loras were together, was still frustrated by her incessant teasing.

Mace nodded slowly, his blue eyes fixing on Renly’s luggage. He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut as if he had no clue what to say.

There was a bang from behind them, and Renly whirled around to see a woman who could only be Loras’s grandmother walking out with Loras and Margaery. She had an air of intimidation surrounding her. Renly told himself that he should really not be scared. He dealt with Stannis on a regular basis and Tywin Lannister more than once. That was ignoring the men like Littlefinger and Walder Frey and the representatives from the Iron Bank. How could Olenna Tyrell be an ounce more terrifying than they were? Somehow, the woman managed it. 

She looked Renly up and down. “You could be doing better, Loras. Though with your attitude . . . .” From behind Olenna Tyrell, Loras gave Renly a sheepish stare, flushing ever-so-slightly. Renly shrugged. Again, it wasn’t as if he had never heard worse from his brothers or their wives and family. Really, Renly didn’t think half his family like him a bit. Fortunately, a lot of the other people did like him even though he was new to the business of politics.

“Gran, play nice. It’s Renly’s first visit,” Margaery told her grandmother. Olenna Tyrell just smirked at her.

“When better to be horrible?”

Margaery chuckled. Renly could see Loras rolling his eyes from behind the ladies. _She’s the favorite grandchild,_ Loras mouthed to his boyfriend. The corners of Renly’s lips were tugged upward. Olenna noticed this and turned to give Loras a glare that had the young man inching back. He gave Renly a _help me_ look. Renly made no move to get in the way of Olenna Tyrell. 

And then Olenna Tyrell rounded on Renly, whose suitcases were visible in the trunk. “Are you taking your own car?”

Renly gave her a confused look. “No, I don’t think I am. Why?”

“You’ll need it if you’re bringing all that shit with you,” Olenna informed him in a deadpan, eyeing his line of suitcases. Renly gaped at her. He thought he’d packed lightly — there were only five suitcases!

Loras walked over to Renly and patted him on the shoulder. “You know I love you, right, Renly?”

“Yeah,” Renly replied, nodding his head, turning that confused look to his boyfriend. 

“Good. She’s right. No way we can fit all this,” Loras confirmed. “You’ll need to repack all of this. What the fuck were you thinking of bringing, anyway?”

Renly blinked. “Everything I might need?”

“And its brothers and sisters,” Margaery chimed in unhelpfully from next to her own grandmother. 

Renly rolled his eyes. “And thanks for volunteering to help me repack, Lor. Help me take this up to your room to go through it?” Renly grabbed Loras by his hoodie sleeve-covered arm and dragged him to the car. He opened his trunk and pushed a suitcase into his boyfriend’s arms as he was still sputtering incredulously.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

Loras was panting by the time they got Renly’s last suitcase upstairs. It didn’t help that his boyfriend had literally made him carry it all upstairs. Seriously. He’d said something like, “But I had to get it all into my car and drive over here, Lor.” Loras was not impressed. Not one bit. But because he was such a good boyfriend, he carried the bags up to his own room and only banged them and dropped them and threatened to damage them severely with fire only about ten (or more) times. He was in agreeable mood because his boyfriend was going camping with him and his family. What could possibly be better?

“You had better get this down to one suitcase, Renly. I just carried five million-pound suitcases up two flights of stairs. You can carry all of it back down to your own car if you’re so attached to it,” Loras informed Renly snippishly, scowling as a result of his boyfriend’s ridiculousness.

“I needed this stuff.” That was definitely not whining on Renly’s part. Not one bit.

Loras raised an eyebrow. “Of course. Because we’re going on a five-star vacation sponsored by Starfall Resorts.”

“But I need this. How else am I supposed to look this gorgeous?” Renly was definitely pouting now. 

Loras gaped at him and smacked him on the shoulder. “Come on. City boys can rough it for a couple days.” Renly just stared at Loras. Loras opened up all the suitcases and flipped them over so that Renly’s stuff was all over his bed. “Renly, where the fuck do you think we’re going that you’ll need your damn eyeliner and hairdryer and --” Loras held up an object and examined it in confusion “-- whatever the hell this is? Actually, what is this?”

Renly blushed. “Oil for my hair. So it doesn’t get all dry and gross like Robert’s.”

“And you’re sure this isn’t the reason Stannis’s hair’s like all fallen out, right? ‘Cause I like your hair.”

Renly stared at Loras in horror even though he knew that Stannis would spend a gold stag on something “as hedonistic as all your ridiculous hair products, Renly Baratheon.”

“You’d still love me if all my hair fell out, right?” Renly asked anxiously. 

Loras seemed to consider that for a moment. “Hmm, I don’t know. You might have an oddly shaped head and then I couldn’t be seen with you.”

“Hey!” Renly protested. “You take that back!” He leaned over Loras, hands dangerously close to Loras’s sides and poised to tickle.

“It’s true! You might!” Loras exclaimed, fully aware that he was sealing his fate. 

Renly tickled Loras’s sides, and Loras tried to squirm away while making some undignified hybrid of a laugh and squeal. Renly grabbed Loras’s hands and pinned them above his head. “Take it back!” 

Renly relented on the tickling long enough for Loras to beg, “Never!” It was not exactly a conversation about the hair anymore so much as an excuse to flirt incessantly.

Renly continued tickling Loras, and the younger man squirmed, trying to escape Renly’s fingers. He probably could have stopped Renly if he wanted, but he didn’t. Loras could feel himself getting hard beneath Renly and the evidence of Renly’s arousal on his leg. Loras’s breath hitched even as he attempted to suppress the surprisingly feminine giggles that the tickling was causing. He was barely able to see Renly’s blue-green eyes darken before the older of the pair leaned in and captured his lips in a kiss. Of course, Renly being Renly, there really was no stopping him.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

So most of the stuff Renly had attempted to pack was now either ruined or sorely needed to go through the wash. Loras hadn’t been dismayed at all. In fact, he’d been grinning and told Renly to take the uncompromised items. Miraculously, these also happened to be the ones Loras had deemed necessary. Renly almost wondered if Loras had planned this except that he was more-or-less sure that Loras had planned it. And people said he didn’t take after his grandmother.

Loras definitely did not help Renly carry his one bag back down the stairs. Not that he was still irritated at Renly for making him carry five bags up. Sure, he was aching from it, but he was also aching in an entirely different, entirely awesome way too. So there were no hard feelings on the account of his boyfriend being a total wimp.

They finally got outside about five minutes after leaving Loras’s room. Admittedly, a good chunk of that time was a result of Loras trying to distract Renly. Payback he called it. Renly had no idea what he was talking about. He certainly had not been trying to distract Loras when he had been carrying all five bags. 

Outside, Olenna was giving Margaery and Sansa, more the latter, a singularly incredulous look. “On what planet do you think this is any better than what Loras’s idiot boyfriend brought?”

Renly gave an indignant “Oi” at the same moment Margaery smoothly retorted, “This one, Gran.” She batted her eyelashes at her grandmother. Probably just a little overboard. But then, was anything actually overboard when the Queen of Thorns was involved?

“Right, you can go leave half that stuff behind. And don’t get distracted.We’re going with or without you in T minus ten minutes. Capiche?” Olenna snapped at Margaery (though Renly thought it was really more directed at Sansa than Margaery). Margaery nodded swiftly and proffered a hand for the newly sanguine-cheeked Sansa to take. 

Renly shook his head at them before turning to Loras and whispering, “You are so like your sister.”

“Saying I’ve got a cunt and a pair of tits?” Loras teased back, rolling his eyes at Loras. 

Renly chuckled. “Obviously that’s why I’m so attached to your dick.”

Loras smirked. “Are you?” Of course, Loras being Loras and just a little bit of a sadist just had to look down at that piece of Renly’s anatomy and step pointedly between Renly and his family and palm Renly.

Renly bit his lip and could feel himself growing a little hard. “Loras . . . .”

“What?” Loras looked entirely too innocent, and Renly wanted to groan. Not in a sexual way. In a frustrated way.

“Your family is right there.” Renly gave a Loras a doleful look as if begging him to stop his teasing. Loras just laughed at him.

“Come on. Gotta go get our seats if we want to be next to each other.” With that, Loras grabbed Renly’s wrist and grabbed him into the mini bus that the Tyrell family owned specifically for their camping trips. With four kids, three adults, a bunch of significant others belonging to the kids, and then any future grandchildren, a lot of room was necessary. 

Loras had no need to worry about getting seats together. He and Renly claimed the back left corner. Willas and his girlfriend, Dacey Mormont, claimed the seats closest to the door. Garlan and Leonette claimed the entire back, Garlan bracing himself on the other corner and Leonette sprawled across three seats. Which left Olenna and Alerie on one side of the bus and Sansa and Margaery crammed between Garlan, and Willas and Dacey. Mace was driving. Renly was not sure why this surprised him, but it did.

They had not even made it out of the driveway before Mace turned on the radio to atrocious music with origins near the Vale. The banjo and singing and whatnot did not take long in making Renly’s ears hurt. It took less time for Loras to groan and put in his earphones. Renly had chuckled until he realized exactly how awful the music was and began to envy Loras the earphones. Renly’s own were among the ruined items on the bed. Renly could not be sure if he should be glad Loras’s music was loud enough he could hear it or if he should be worried about his boyfriend going deaf soon.

Really, besides Mace, the only people who seemed relatively okay with the music selection were Alerie, Willas, and Dacey. The last was explained when Dacey exclaimed, on the third song, “Hey, that’s my mom’s!”

Willas chuckled and threaded his arm around her waist. Garlan and Leonette looked at each other for a moment before standing up and then singing along to it horribly (though Renly expected that much of that was intentional). 

Dacey facepalmed. Loras was watching them in amusement, but Renly noticed his unspoken but still staunch refusal to remove his earphones. Renly decided that Loras could at least watch better without the earphones. Renly bit his lip and cast a sly look at his boyfriend. And then he lunged to grab the earphone out of Loras’s ear.

Loras jumped back and glared daggers at Renly. “What the hell?”

Renly grinned and made another swipe for the earphones. 

“Ren! Stop it!” Loras definitely was not whining because he was over halfway through college and therefore did not whine. Obviously. 

Renly managed to yank them out of Loras’s ears. Loras grabbed them before he could stuff them in the pockets of his old college hoodie. 

“Give them back!” Loras demanded, grabbing Renly’s hand and trying to pry it open so he could rescue his precious earphones.

“Never!” Renly replied, trying to break his hand free of Loras’s grip. This involved leaning back onto the seats that had previously been occupied by Leonette. Of course, Loras being Loras and utterly unwilling to give up, ended up more or less on top of Renly.

A pointed cough came from Olenna, whose eyebrows were raised into her hairline. Renly was fairly certain she was laughing at them. 

Loras scrambled off of Renly, blushing. Renly was grinning, but he knew he was at least a little flushed also. “My earphones, Renly. I don’t wanna listen to this shit.” Pouting would be Loras’s newest weapon, apparently, since wrestling in front of his family was off the table (and off Renly).

“Last song was by Lady Bear — you know, Dacey’s mom,” Margaery informed Loras primly. Of course she would, but as if that would be enough to make Loras take it back. Loras had no qualms about sacrificing niceness to express his opinion almost all the time.

“It’s still shit,” Loras insister, frowning. Arms crossed. He was a bit of a petulant child obviously.

“Your stuff’s shit,” Dacey retorted, her voice shouting the words back across the bus as she flipped Loras the bird. She glared at Loras, who had no qualms about glaring back. Though Loras’s glare seemed more sulky than anything because Loras was secretly half-cat and loved to sulk. 

Still pouting, Loras turned to Renly. “Dude, if you’re not going to let me listen to actually good music, you’re my new pillow.” And with that, Loras set his head down on Renly’s shoulder. Renly enjoyed this simple comfort more than he would like to admit. He would not admit to being at all clingy, but he loved just touching Loras even just innocently. Renly was an affectionate person by nature, but he’d been neglected and yelled at for shit-poor reasons by his family. It was safe to say that Renly was a little touch-starved and even after a while with Loras, still making up for years. 

Renly was a little surprised by how quickly Loras fell asleep on his shoulder. At night, Loras took forever to get to sleep and rolled around constantly. And he rarely took naps. But apparently on the bus, head on Renly’s shoulder, it took seconds. Renly wrapped an arm around Loras’s shoulder protectively, holding his boyfriend closer to him. Of course, this sort of failed at keeping Loras upright.

Loras slid. 

Down.

Until his head was in Renly’s lap. His mouth face inward. To Renly’s humiliation, he felt himself harden. He looked at the others in the bus, really hoping they would not notice his reaction to Loras’s sleeping faceplant in his lap. 

Renly was pretty sure they realized nothing. 

At least, Renly didn’t think they did. But Renly decided he probably should not let this continue when Loras began drooling. (Was it bad that he found his member growing harder at that?) Renly figured it could only last so long. . . .except then he started squirming in his seat, and damn, was that awkward. Bouncing his knee would not help either as then he’d have an irritated Loras on his lap and that sounded more than a mite unpleasant.

Renly bit his lip. And he managed this for a good thirty minutes — see, look, Loras, Renly did have endurance. A limited amount at best, of course, because Renly was neither superhuman nor Loras. “Umm, I have to go to the bathroom.”

Olenna narrowed her eyes at him as if she had ascertained his meaning, but she said nothing. It seemed to more of an “I’ll kill you later” than being nice because this was the Queen of Thorns. Renly had never even a rumor of her being nice. 

Mace pulled off the interstate, completely unaware of the motivations behind Renly’s request unlike his mother who had somehow figured it out. The others just did not appear to be paying much attention. Renly was glad that it only took a few minutes for Mace to pull into the rest station. Smiling apologetically at Loras’s sleeping form, he shifted his boyfriend so he could stand up. He did not run to the bathroom because obviously he had a little dignity.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

Loras was wide awake, Renly discovered when he returned from the bathroom. There was one other change that Renly found particularly noticeable — who was driving the bus. Mace was sitting with his wife while Olenna was now manning the steering wheel.

Somehow, that filled Renly with complete dread. Terror. 

Renly wasn’t sure why.

And then Olenna began to drive, and Renly figured it out. 

Olenna Tyrell was fucking crazy. Renly was pretty sure he’d seen a sign indicating they should be going roughly half the speed Olenna was driving. Renly wasn’t a cautious driver by nature — that was Stannis, with his compulsion to follow even the smallest regulations — but this was just absurd. 

Renly quickly found himself holding on for dear life. Loras gave him a look. 

“You do realize this is how fast _I_ drive, right?” Loras pointed out. Renly glared at him, knowing full well that Loras was suppressing an unmanly giggle.

Renly gave Loras a look. “You drive too fast.”

“Never seen you hanging on for dear life,” Loras teased, poking Renly in the side.

Renly pouted. “Yeah, ‘cause you’d bitch about it forever.” 

“I would not!” Loras protested, joining Renly in pouting. 

Just then, there was siren heard behind them. “Fucking shit. Of all the things —” Loras began to curse. Renly figured Loras could probably go on like that for a couple more minutes, and no, he definitely did not know this from personal experience. 

“Language,” Margaery and Olenna reprimanded simultaneous. Renly found this absolutely hilarious for a couple of reasons: (1) the completely offended “fuck-the-fuck-off” look Loras gave them both and (2) he had heard both of them say that sort of language plenty themselves, the hypocrites. Olenna, without an accompaniment from Margaery, added more to the admonishment. “I cannot believe I helped raise a boy with such unoriginal language.”

“Let him be, Gran,” Willas told Olenna with a chuckle. From his tone, it was apparent that he was not seriously telling her to do anything. Trying to tell her to do anything would be futile. Very, very futile.

With an agitated sigh, Olenna pulled the car over. That would theoretically prevent them from getting in a car chase. Of course, the police officer ended up being someone Renly and Loras had a very mutual hatred of — Gregor Clegane, a.k.a. the most aggressive police officer on the force. Gregor Clegane also happened to be in Tywin Lannister’s pocket, and Tywin hated Renly and the Tyrell family.

“Gregor,” Olenna said, not bothering to just say his surname or attach any sort of title. Gregor glared at her — though that may just have been his standard expression. It was hard to tell sometimes. The conversation proceeded relatively quickly after that mostly because Olenna Tyrell was brilliant and Gregor Clegane was about as intelligent as his nickname would suggest. Actually, Renly figured that might be an insult to the rocks making up the mountain. 

When Olenna finally rolled the window up, most of the car started giggling hysterically. Olenna had convinced Clegane not to give her a ticket. Renly, despite having listened to the entire conversation, did not quite comprehend what exactly she had done. Renly was not sure anyone else did either — except for perhaps Margaery. But Margaery obviously didn’t count because she had the unfair advantage of being Olenna’s protege.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

The sign seemed interesting enough to Renly. It was just a miracle that he got anyone else to go along with it. Perhaps his interest in it was as a (secretly) aspiring artist, but it might also have been because he was so fucking bored. “Can we stop at The Largest Canvas in Westeros?”

As predicted, everyone gave him strange looks. Loras smacked him on the arm. “Uuuh, Ren? You going mental or something?” Of course Loras would be the one to be the least impressed. Margaery snorted at Loras’s comment, clearly a bit amused by the pair. Sansa grinned at her girlfriend.

Renly pouted. “Then you’d be mental for dating me.” He crossed his arms and gave Loras an almost triumphant look as if he half expected his words would work.

Of course they didn’t, and Renly knew they wouldn’t. That was why he’d only ever almost thought it might work. “You’re right. We’ve got to break up before my mind is totally gone!” Loras mock-gasped, putting a hand over his chest and pretending to faint. 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Renly retorted, rolling his eyes melodramatically.

Before their exchange continued, Alerie Tyrell cut in. “We could all use the chance to stretch our legs.”

Everyone sort of had to agree to that as they had been sitting down for a while.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

When Renly saw a sign for the world’s largest ball of twine, everyone just groaned. It was already dark by then, and this was the tenth tourist attraction Renly had spotted. They’d stopped listening to his suggestions sometime after “The World’s Largest Dildo.” That was something they had not needed to see. Loras had told Renly that they definitely didn’t know each other if Renly thought that was cool. Renly had conceded that it had been kind of creepy under such a threat.

Before Renly could make a case for his latest tourist attraction, they finally saw the sign for the campground. Renly glanced at the time — 11:47. Loras and Dacey cheered when they saw the sign. Renly wasn’t exactly complaining either because after Loras finished cheering, he turned around and snogged Renly.

“Oi! Public indecency!” Leonette shouted and accidentally woke her husband up. Said husband accidentally rolled of the seats where he’d been napping and hit his head on Margary’s high-heeled boots. He sat up and rubbed his head.

“What just happened?” Garlan groaned. 

Dacey chimed in from where she was sitting with Willas leaning against her. “You snore, idiot!” Willas snorted.

Loras would probably have snorted too, but he was preoccupied with Renly’s mouth. He had not bothered to even listened to Leonette’s protest.  
“My poor shoes!” Margaery exclaimed jokingly, smacking her brother on the shoulder. Sansa chortled, eyes dancing with amusement.

She nodded her agreement. “Yeah, pretty sure there’s a scuff-mark on them. Whatever shall we do?”

The bus pulled into the campground at that moment, and Mace got out to go pay and everything and get their spot for the next few days. Olenna got up and walked over to Renly and Loras, who were both too busy to notice her approach. Everyone else in the bus stilled and watched impatiently as Olenna pulled a water bottle out of her purse, opened it, and poured it on both Renly and Loras.

Loras and Renly jumped apart, both sputtering. “What the fu — what even?!” Loras demanded, reaching up to wring the water out of his curly hair. 

“We’ve arrived, doofus,” Olenna informed him. There was something smug in her expression that Loras decided would be stupid to try and analyze. 

Loras gaped, wondering when they’d gotten there, and he looked at Renly. Renly wore his version of the exact same expression — a confused stare. 

Mace returned to the car then and took the driver’s seat even though Olenna had been driving most of the day by that point. It was a short drive to their lot, fortunately, despite the size of the park. Loras was standing up before the bus had even stopped. He turned to Dacey Mormont, who was a very experienced camper and his only competition for who would be best camper as he already knew he was better than all his family at it (in his mind at least). “Dude, want to see who can set up the tents faster?”

Dacey grinned wolfishly, casting a look at her drowsy boyfriend. She turned back to Loras and stood up. “You’re on kid!”

And with that, both sprinted off to set up the tents.


	2. Day Two

Loras had always been an early riser. Actually, everyone who was high-energy in the Tyrell family was, and so at the crack of dawn on a camping trip, they had already been awake for over half-an-hour because they really were crazy like that. Loras had never been big on sleeping because it was obviously a massive waste of time.

He looked down at his sleeping boyfriend who was curled into his side. Renly had always been taller and broader, but with how he was curled against Loras, no one would ever be able to tell the difference. Renly was adorable, Loras thought. How not everyone saw that was beyond him.

Renly’d always been a bit hipster. Really, he was. He had to be a little different that other people were even if he had this college hoodie he adored. Admittedly, it had been the first thing that Loras had ever given him as a present. But Renly was a little like him. Sure, he wasn't as obsessed with music as Loras, but he liked the same stuff (but was okay with music Loras was not okay with). He even wore eyeliner.

Loras suppressed a chuckle. His boyfriend had been too tired to wash his eyeliner off after Loras and Dacey had finally set up the tents and had worn his black eyeliner to bed. Loras had made fun of him but found it amusing. During the night, it had smeared, and Loras thought it was cute even if Ren was going to bitch about it the second he had a mirror.

With a sigh, Loras extracted himself from Renly's grip (he would miss the warmth) and got out of the sleeping bag they were sharing. Loras snatched a beanie and a plaid flannel and stepped outside the tent. He was the first up, so he decided to start the fire.

Just after he started the fire, Olenna, Dacey, Leonette, and Garlan all exited their respective tents as if they had all been collectively been waiting for someone else to start the fire and be first up. Clearly, they were all secretly moths. “I'm hungry,” Dacey grumbled, eying the luggage are of the bus where they'd left the cooler.

“You going to cook something then?” Olenna grumbled. She looked about as interested in food as Dacey did. Hungry Olenna was not someone to be tripled with.

“Uuuh,” Dacey answered, shrugging slightly. Had Dacey not had such a tough-girl attitude going on, Loras might have thought her sheepish.

“Do any of us have any idea how to cook?” Loras wondered aloud, looking between the four other people. He grimaced slightly. He realized these were probably not the people who would have any clue about that. 

Leonette shrugged and looked over at Garlan. “Hey, don't look at us. Takeout rules.”

Wincing, Garlan rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around his wife's shoulder. “Yeah, takeout and frozen pizza movie nights are the shit.” He grinned then and chuckled. “You all don’t have any idea do you?”

Loras grimaced. Dacey had similar feeling on the matter because a moment later, she groaned, “Shit.” She stretched lazily as if she couldn’t actually be bothered to worry even if she even if she did appear to be mildly concerned. 

“We could try cooking something?” Loras suggested, looking between them. He had to think for a second about what food items did actually exist because, hey, he just liked eating food, not cooking it. If it were put in front of him, he’d gobble it down in seconds. “Like scrambled eggs. How hard can those be, d’you think?”

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

As it turned out, scrambled eggs could be rather hard to manage. Between Leonette accidentally dropping an egg while tossing it over to Garlan to crack in the skillet (“But Garlan did crack it when it hit his face!”), Olenna burning the eggs, and Dacey and Loras accidentally leaving the eggs close enough to the fire for them all to sort-of explode, scrambled eggs belonged in the disaster textbook.

Seriously, how the fuck were scrambled eggs so difficult? They were yellow fluffy things. They should not have been so hard. A person just had to crack eggs and put them in a pan. End of story (or so they thought). But no, apparently, eggshells loved ending up in the pan when eggs were cracked. Those were lovely to fish out, and also, how was a person supposed to keep any egg in the pan while doing that? Oh, and apparently, the eggs had to be like separated early on. Who knew? So yeah, the eggs might have had major issues. 

Two tents unzippered in unison. “Okay, what stinks?” asked Sansa, wrinkling her nose at the smell the burnt eggs produced.

“Yeah, and why didn't we hear the bear that wrecked our campsite?” Renly added entirely unhelpfully. Again, the place looked a mess.

Loras glared at him. “Shut up, Ren.” He pouted and folded his arms across his chest like an overgrown two-year-old. 

“Seriously, what happened?” Renly pressed. He was actually rather concerned about the state of the campsite and what had happened.

“Never you mind,” Loras growled at the same time Dacey chirped, “We cooked breakfast!”

“Seven hells,” Renly muttered. Sansa was too polite to say that, but from her facial expression, it was obvious that she shared his sentiment. “Sans, you know how to make Riverlands Toast, right?”

“Yeah,” Sansa confirmed. “And Mom gave you her recipe a couple years back, right?” 

They both knew the answer to the question, but Renly nodded his confirmation anyway. “Okay, let's double check we have the ingredients.” Renly and Sansa walked over to the cooler. 

“You're just picking that recipe to show us up bigtime,” Loras whined. Renly rolled his eyes at that.

Olenna also rolled her eyes. “Shouldn't be hard.”

“Oi!” Loras protested, sticking out his lower lip exaggeratedly. One stern look from his grandmother later and he revised, “I mean, yes, ma'am.” Olenna grinned.

“Here's another dozen eggs, thank the Seven,” Renly muttered as he shifted the food items around, “vanilla, maple syrup . . .” He was not sure who thought it was a good idea to put vanilla in the cooler, but he was not going to think about it too hard.

“Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, breadcrumbs,” Sansa continued, rifling through the food items they had outside the cooler. There were surprisingly few items there, and the fact they had those items was simply because Margaery knew which items were required for Catelyn’s recipe for Riverlands Toast.

“ . . . And bread,” Renly finished, grinning and giving Sansa a high five. “Awesome! Let's do this!”

Sansa was grinning also and scurried to go turn on the camping stove they had brought with them. It belonged to the a Stark family and ran on propane. It took Sansa very little time to set up all the propane stuff. Everyone was staring at her in surprise because Sansa was not exactly a camper. She shrugged, fiddling with a strand of her copper hair. “What? I live in the North. Winds and snow kill our power regularly, and we have an electric stove in the kitchen.”

“I know the feeling,” Renly agreed, thinking to the stormy nature of Shipbreaker Bay, where he lived. He picked up the camping griddle, which had to be heated by the stove but provided a larger surface for the food to cook on.

Renly and Sansa quickly made the batter, dipped the bread in it, and cooked it. It was done in two parts as only half the toast fit on the griddle at one time. Breakfast was cooked much faster and cleaner than the group's failed attempt.

Margaery, Willas, Mace, and Alerie all came out for the food. Oddly enough, they didn’t even act like anyone other than Renly and Sansa cooking was even a possibility. Loras wasn’t sure that he was thrilled with this turn of events. Maybe he’d try to change this later.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

“Ren, come on, come on,” Loras whined, pouting at his boyfriend, who sat, arms crossed, in a camping chair near the fire.

Renly shook his head. “Hells no. You want to drag me through the damn woods for what exactly?” He sounded exactly as whiny as his boyfriend did. They were a matched pair, obviously.

“It’ll be fun. Come on, damn it!” Loras protested, grabbing Renly’s arm and pulling. Renly was larger, but Loras was stronger because hey, look, he actually bothered working out and playing sports and such. Renly found himself standing rather against his will. 

Pouting, Renly grumbled, “Loras, what the fuck? Seriously?” He did not fight as hard now, but he was still sulking as he was dragged into the woods. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Loras disagreed with a grin. He leaned over and kissed Renly’s cheek. Renly took the opportunity to yank his arm away and back back toward the chair in which he’d been sitting. Margaery, noticing what was going on, scurried over and plopped down in the chair before Renly could sit back down and be even more stubborn. “Haha, Ren! You can’t escape me now!”

“Dammit,” Renly grumbled, but he permitted himself be dragged into the woods. It was a decision he regretted almost instantly. The woods contained trees, and the trees looked basically all the same to him because he was not a naturalist. Oh, yeah, and he could remember his eldest brother getting poison ivy on no less than five occasions. Anyway, Renly wasn’t a fan of the woods and was here only because of Loras. 

It took only a few minutes before Renly’s phone rang for the first time on the vacation. Renly looked down at the caller ID to see that it was his brother. Stannis. Renly grimaced. Loras peered over his shoulder and also noticed who was calling. Loras mock-gagged. 

“Why’s Stannis calling?” Loras growled. He looked just about ready to throw the phone in the stream they were walking next to. 

“Dude, it’s Stannis. Who knows? I’m not answering,” Renly exclaimed after hitting the ignore button and stuffing the phone back in his pocket. 

Of course, this was just the first phone call. If there were one thing to describe Stannis, it would be stubborn and doggedly so. This was something that Renly had hated as a child. It meant he could get away with very little. At least Stannis had never condemned Renly’s sexuality the way Robert had. Renly knew Stannis didn’t exactly think it was right, but that didn’t ever make Stannis raise a hand to him. Renly decided to banish these thoughts from his mind because it was hard to be happy with his boyfriend when he was thinking about his homophobic family.

Five phone calls later, there was literally nothing Renly could do to keep Loras from snatching the phone away from him. Renly gaped at him, a strangled noise of protest escaping his lips. “Lor, what - what do you think you’re doing?!”

“Umm, saving you from your cunt of a brother?” Loras answered in a tone that meant that he thought that should be obvious.

“By throwing my phone in the lake? Dude, not cool,” Renly snapped at Loras. Of course, his phone was sort of given to him by his family, and he wasn’t about to be able to get insurance to pay for a replacement if he didn’t have the stupid thing. Scowling at Loras, Renly leapt into the lake. He wished he’d brought his goggles with him. That would’ve made all of this one hell of a lot easier. His eyes had never been a fan of opening in dirty water, but apparently, he wasn’t about to have a choice. 

Loras stood on the shore, staring at his boyfriend in alarm. He hadn’t been expecting his boyfriend to jump into the lake to rescue his phone. That seemed like something he’d do, not Renly. But apparently, jumping into a lake after his phone was something Renly would do. 

Renly did not surface until a couple minutes after he'd jumped in. Swimming had always been the only sport Renly had been better at than Loras, but Loras was still a bit panicky about Renly's lack of resurfacing. He was also a bit concerned about the fact that Renly was still wearing his clothing.

Loras watched for a moment longer before stripping down to his underwear and jumping in after his boyfriend. “Ren? Ren?! Renly?! Where are you?” he called, looking around wildly. Renly wasn't supposed to vanish.

A hand grabbed at his leg and pulled him down. Loras shrieked as his head went under. Fortunately, the hand released him almost instantly, and Loras quickly resurfaced. Renly, beside him, also surfaced. Renly, unlike Loras, was laughing hysterically. “Oh my gods, that was great,” Renly sputtered. 

“Ren!” Loras protested, spitting out some water that had gotten into his mouth. Loras scowled at Renly and pouted exaggeratedly at him.

Renly grinned. “What’d I do?”

Loras harrumphed. “What’d you do?! You know what you did, you asshole!” Still scowling, he splashed water at Renly.

The water caught Renly in the face. Renly blinked a couple of times to get the water out of his eyes. “You’re in for it now, babe!”

Loras’s eyes widened in alarm. Unlike in just about every other situation, Loras had a reason to be alarmed. Renly was both bigger and the better swimmer by far. “Shit,” he muttered.

The corners of Renly’s lips quirked up. “Yep.” He propelled himself through the water toward Loras. It was a short distance even though Loras did make a rather inelegant attempt to paddle away from Renly. Renly caught Loras easily and held Loras’s back to Renly’s chest. “I’ve got you now!”

“Aaaah,” Loras said in mock terror as he squirmed to try to get free of Renly’s grasp. Loras tried kicking his boyfriend, but Renly just managed to hold onto Loras, who made a whining sound. Loras used his feet to press against Renly’s legs to allow him to jump out of Renly’s grasp. Loras laughed as at last he succeeded. Of course, Renly could easily could have easily caught up to him because Loras really couldn’t do more than a doggy paddle, but still, he’d escaped.

Renly let Loras get the head start, and when Loras was almost at the shore, Renly swam toward him. He reached Loras just in time to pin him against a large rock on the shore. Both Loras and Renly were panting. Loras turned around in Renly’s grasp so that he was facing his boyfriend. 

“Ren?” Loras asked breathlessly. 

“I got you,” Renly repeated with a grin.

Loras quirked an eyebrow at him, a grin coming to his face. “Oh, and what’re you going to do to me?”

Renly grinned at him and raked an appraising eye over his boyfriend’s body. “I don’t know? What should I do?” He reached a hand down to cup Loras through his wet boxers. Loras’s breath hitched as his member stiffened. “That? Or,” he grazed one of Loras’s nipples with his teeth, “that? Or that?” He pushed Loras back into the water.

“Renly!” Loras shouted after resurfacing a moment later. He reached up to wring out his now rather frizzy, super curly hair. “What’d you do that for?!”

“Fun?” Renly answered, shrugging shamelessly. 

Loras glared at him, looking like a pissy, bedraggled feline. Loras shook his finger at Renly. “You’re so sleeping on the couch.”

Renly snorted. “What couch? We’re camping.”

“Then sleep fucking outside!” Loras hissed, arching his eyebrow. He was practically baring his teeth at Renly.

Right about then, it occurred to Renly that maybe he’d gone a little too far there and that Loras would not be inclined to forgive him right then. Oops. “Do you want me to get eaten by wolves or bears?”

“Yes, Renly, Sansa and Dacey are cannibals. Now will you please fuck off?” Loras snapped.

Renly shrugged sheepishly. “Anything I can do to make it up to you?” 

Loras tilted his head to the side, apparently considering. “Well . . . .”

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

Renly and Loras decided to head back a few hours later (they’d had some other fun, too). Of course, that was about when they realized that _hey, look, which side of the lake had they even come from anyway?_ So, basically, they were lost and decided to traipse through the woods in search of any possible clues they could have to find their way out again. 

Loras, of course, hadn’t brought his phone because they’d had Renly’s phone (okay, so maybe he’d just been an idiot and forgotten to charge his own phone but didn’t want to admit it). So, GPS was out of the question. So, apparently, was tracking down Loras’s clothing. They’d gone at least half-way around the lake without finding it, so they’d decided to start through the woods in hopes of finding civilization.

After about forty-five minutes of traipsing through the woods, Renly and Loras reached civilization. Said civilization was in the form of a small town they had passed through earlier. Renly shrugged and looked behind them at the sun setting in the sky. “Well, you want to go get a bite to eat before getting down on our knees and begging to use a phone so that we can get down on our knees to beg your father to come pick us up?”

“I doubt it'll be that difficult, but sure. Food sounds great, and I'm starved,” Loras replied with an inelegant shrug.

Renly smiled and linked his arm through Loras’s. “Let’s go.”

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

The diner they walked to was rather run-down. The neon letters above the diner that read Florents’ Diner were more than half-out, making it read “F-l-o-n-e-r-’-s.” Renly sniggered and promptly received an elbow to the gut from Loras.

“Play nice,” Loras told him with a smirk. “You wouldn’t want to get a ‘floner,’ would you?” 

Renly rolled his eyes and elbowed him back because Loras obviously deserved it for his horrible pun (and elbowing Renly in the first place). “ _You_ wouldn’t, would you?” Renly raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

“You don’t want to give me one, do you?” Loras teased back, grinning. He leaned into Renly.

They were almost at the door, but before they arrived at it, Renly decided to make one final joke because why the hells not? “Yeah, course I don’t.” Renly grinned still, but Loras frowned in response and pushed him into the door.

“Hey!” Loras exclaimed, clearly not actually irritated with Renly. That was good since Renly didn’t particularly fancy being the object of Loras’s ire twice in the same day. Once was quite enough, thank you very much. And once was, by the way, pushing it.

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

The waitress named Talla leaned over their table and grinned at Loras. Talla was a bit pudgy, and her rather alarmingly large cleavage was practically falling out of her shirt. Loras sent Renly a look that was basically a distress call. “Anything I can get you, mister?” She batted his eyelashes at him.

“The cheque,” Renly snapped, crossing his arms. So he wasn’t a fan of some random girl flirting with his boyfriend. Exactly who would be? Renly would deny being jealous, however, because he was more than certain that he was more attractive than Talla was (and had a cooler name, obviously). Also, with all the confusion that had led to their getting together, he was pretty certain nothing was going to get in the way of that.

“You’re kidding right?” Talla asked flatly, pouting and giving Loras a pleading look. “You haven’t even ordered anything yet!” 

Okay, so maybe the cheque comment was ridiculous but whatever. “The menu, then.”

Talla grinned at Loras and scampered off to go find them menus.

Loras burst out laughing the second Talla left. “Did she seriously think she has anything on you?” 

“Be nice,” Renly admonished even though he was sort of thinking the exact same thing. He reached across the table and smacked Loras on the chest.

Loras rolled his eyes. “Seriously though.” He seemed to pause and think for a second, his fingers tapping on his leg (which was basically bare — he’d had to borrow Renly’s undershirt to fit the shirt requirement for entering the diner). “If that happens all through dinner, I’m going to scream.”

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

So, it sort of happened all through dinner. Sort of. Different, but still all very flirty, waitresses who apparently took turns flirting with Loras and Renly (both got a fair amount of attention). Loras and Renly were both rather flattered by all the attention they were getting, but they were both incredibly irritated with the constant flirting. Neither was particularly okay with other people flirting with his boyfriend. Understandably.

The spindly waitress named Cerena left, swaying her hips as she did. She had been flirting with Renly incessantly. Renly’d been more awkward than Loras had seen him in ages, which was sort of bonus. Renly’d spent the entire time giving Loras a pleading look. 

After torturing Renly with it for a little while longer, Loras finally took pity on him and sent Cerena away to go get the cheque for real. 

“Hey, Lor?” Renly asked, batting his eyelashes at Loras and pouting a bit. He leaned forward a little so that their faces were closer together. 

Loras leaned forward too, a half-smile on his face. “What, Ren?”

“Want to make them stop?” Renly asked, his eyes fixated for a moment on Loras’s lips before his gaze trailed down a bit. Okay, so he really liked Loras wearing his shirt in public. Who wouldn’t?

Loras’s lips curled upward in a lazy grin, “Oh? What’d you have in mind then?”

“This.” Renly leaned in and caught Loras’s lips in a kiss. Loras quickly reached forward to allow for more contact and deepened the kiss. Renly moaned a little.

Things progressed quickly, as they were wont to do, and a few minutes, Renly was sprawled across the table with Loras straddling his lap. They were still kissing when the waitress from earlier came over and tapped Loras on his shoulder.

“Out, now. No one wants to see this.”

Loras was pretty sure he heard more than a few disappointed sighs as a result. Loras did, admittedly, feel a bit disappointed even though it was probably not the brightest idea to ravish his boyfriend on a table in the middle of a crowded diner. 

Renly shrugged and leaned close to Loras’s ear. “We're so continuing this later.”

Loras shivered from the hot breath on his ear. He could only nod mutely. Loras dismounted Renly and got off the table, which allowed Renly to get up. Once they were both standing and Loras had collected himself enough, he grabbed Renly's wrist and pulled him in close. “Dude, walk in front of me.”

Renly gave him a questioning look, and Loras blushed furiously. It was right about then that Renly realized what the issue was. Teasingly, he looked down at the bulge in Loras’s underwear. Loras bit his lip to suppress a groan.

Renly turned back to the waitress, who was bright red. “Can we borrow your phone by any chance?”

“We're throwing you out for public indecency. What do you think?”

“No?”

“No.”

☼☁ ☼☁ ☼

It took about five more tries, but Renly had finally convinced the waitress to let them call. Loras was surprised that anyone, even Renly, could be that persuasive. Well, anyone not his grandmother, anyway. Even though they called Mace, Olenna was the one who came and fetched them.

Of course, this also meant that they were subjected to a long lecture about not getting lost in the woods that they mostly ignored. Mostly ignored until about two minutes in when Olenna realized they weren't listening and scared them into listening.

It was the longest thirty-minute drive in Loras’s life. Renly preferred it to some with his own family. 

When they got back, the campfire was going, and everyone was crowded around it with sticks and marshmallows. “You started s’mores without me?!” Loras shouted.

Dacey looked up from hers. “Duuuh.”

Loras growled and stormed over to the fire and ripped the stick out of Dacey’s hand. “Mine.” Renly sniggered and went over to the stack of unused eticks, chose one, and stuck two marshmallows on it because he was a nice human being.

Loras didn't know what happened, but a moment later, his marshmallows started flaming. He grumbled in irritation. Renly’s own, a few moments later, were done and a nice golden brown. Loras gaped at him in surprise. How dare thee be something else Renly was better at!

The pattern continued for the next five marshmallows until Loras slammed down the stick in irritation. “Seven hells!” He got up to storm over to his and Renly's tent.

“Loras?” Renly called.

Scowling, Loras turned around. “What do you want?”

“I have a s'more for you.” He grinned encouragingly and extended a hand containing the s'more to Loras.

Loras examined it carefully from a distance. Then he walked over to Renly and kissed him on the lips gently. “Thanks, but no.”

He turned on his heel and stalked back to the tent. Popping the s'more in his mouth, Renly shrugged to the others and followed Loras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed. As always, feedback is always welcomed.
>
>> A Virto Musae   
> By the Virtue of the Muse

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated!
>
>> A Virto Musae  
> By the Virtue of the Muse


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